Too Legit to Quit



I must confess, I think I'm a pusher.

Whenever I find a product I love, I always tell my friends about it. "Have you tried this recipe?" "Have you heard this song?" "Have you felt how smooth this lipstick is?"...I'm one of those. 

Hey, I'm just trying to help a sister out!  So naturally I HAVE to tell you about the Jillian Michaels ab DVD I have discovered. It's quick and effective and I am kind of obsessed.

 

 I'll stop here to throw out a spoiler alert for all my male readers- This is when the proverbial "girl-out" starts. If this were a slumber party, right now would be the portion in between the pillow fights and fingernail painting- you know, the part where we sit around and ask each other how much we weigh. (Because evidently that's what guys think we do?)

 

Who knew? After thousands of dollars and countless months spent at the gym, that THIS

 

  would be the best $10 I ever spent?

 Just looking at this picture strikes fear in my bones. I have tasted her pain, and yet I keep coming back for more. After watching her scream at contestants on the Biggest Loser for years, I always assumed I was more of a "Bob" than a "Jillian" type of person in the gym. Be kind, that's all I want. Be gentle with me! But as they say, "You've got to be cruel to be kind."... Yes?

 

 I've made no secret about the fact that I've been slowly trying to claw my way back from a physical low point over the last few years. We talked about it HERE and HERE and HERE... and then I shut my mouth about it because generally I subscribe to the idea that no one really WANTS to hear you talk about your weight. It starts to sound obnoxious after a while. But I'm also a person who believes in keeping it real, and since I've so liberally shared all my defeats along the way, it seems only fitting to share the triumphs as well.

 

I've tried many different workout programs and DVD's over the years, (Winsor Pilates, P90X, etc) and my issue with all of them is this: NOBODY HAS TIME FOR THIS NONSENSE!

 As a mom who has two tinies who are at home with me %70 of the time, it's simply not realistic for me to spend 60-90 minutes rolling around on the ground sweating it out while my children whine at me, correct my form, beg for snacks, or try to "join" me in my efforts, thus directly thwarting my efforts. I know this because I have tried. It seems that unless I'm willing to get up at 5 am and work out before my kids wake up, (and let's all be real here- I'm not) it's pretty much a waste of time.

 

 So for years I have gone to the gym instead, which works well for us. They get to play in the kiddie area, I workout and have a smidge of time to myself,  and we all get out of the house- win/win/win!

  Other than a couple seasons off to tend to the minor business of growing and birthing humans, I've been pretty faithful at working out.

 

 But regardless of my continual efforts at the gym, I have been unsuccessful in reaching my goals. Or partially successful at best. And let's face it, after having two babies, one C section, and gaining and losing a total of 100 pounds (Yes. I said it) between both of them- I have my work cut out for me. Even after managing to lose the 50 lbs after my last baby, at my lowest weight, I was never strong. I had no muscle tone. I just managed to get thin enough so that all my soft bits didn't fold over onto each other.

 It's a good trick but it's a far cry from being truly fit. And it didn't last. As soon as I started to ease up on my diet and cardio, the pounds started slowly and inexorably taking up residence everywhere between my neck and my knees. Okay fine, my ankles too.

 

I think a big part of my problem has been that I tend to master one or maybe two major elements of health and fitness at a time, but I've never quite gotten a handle on doing it all at once. I have focused too much on cardio and almost completely neglected strength training over the years. In regards to my diet I  have yo-yo'd between utter vigilance and throwing caution to the wind.

 

 While Jillian's reputation garners both fear and respect in equal measure,  the woman knows how to get results. I will say that. Her workouts are legitimate. I decided on a whim one day to buy a couple of her workout DVD's, figuring that if I hated it, it's only $10, and if I loved it then all the better.

 

I have LOVED them. 

Specifically her 6 Week 6 Pack DVD. I committed to myself that I'd give it a real go. Why not?

 So for 6 weeks I worked out 5-6 days a week and ate very clean (very little carbs, sugar, or dairy, and lots of veg and lean protein every few hours).  In 8 weeks with Jillian I have lost 10 pounds and almost two pant sizes! It works! My God, it really works!

 

 Before it starts to sound like I'm tooting my own horn here, let me clarify that I still have a long way to go. I am barely over halfway to my fitness goal. There is still much work to be done. But I am so excited to actually be seeing results. The best motivation is seeing your body start to change.

For maybe the first time in my adult life, I am starting to see muscles in my arms, stomach, legs, and butt. Like, actually SEE them!

Here's why I love her all of her DVD's and this DVD in particular.

1. It's quick and effective. Her workouts range from 25-45 minutes. Which is perfect because a half hour is about the longest I can keep my kids preoccupied.
2.  It's SIMPLE! You don't need any weird bands or equipment. A small hand weight and room to move are all you need.
3. It's just hard enough that you feel accomplished, but not so hard that you dread doing it. Each DVD has multiple levels of difficulty as well- so just when you start to get comfortable (or adequate) she kicks it up a notch.
4. It's cheap!
5. It WORKS. She uses HIIT (high intensity interval training) to help burn fat while building muscle. Double duty. Boom. 

I'm not saying it's magic, and I'm not saying it's the best thing out there. Just another tool to add to the toolbox. Just wanted to share my experience in case any of my comrades out there are looking for something quick and doable.

 I'm finally learning that I can't take any shortcuts. I have to eat clean AND do cardio AND do strength training to get where I want to be. Once I finish losing the weight I think maintaining is a whole different story. But to lose weight I just can't get away with any funny business.(Blurg.)

I still give myself a couple cheats a week, otherwise my head would explode. And my morning coffee with creamer is non-negotiable. Off the table.

 But I've got to say, as much as I miss my pastas and cheeses for now, if it spares me from feeling like a gelatinous busted can of biscuits, maybe it's worth it.



Humorous Hubris

If it's true what they say-  that opposites attract, then Husband and I are one of the exceptions to that rule. We really aren't all that different from each other.

In the beginning as our long distance friendship budded into a long distance relationship, we spent hours nightly on the phone talking about our similar taste in music, movies, and people in general. We fancied all the same things. More importantly we fancied each other.

 This was it. He was my person. I knew it very early on. He was funny! Better yet, he thought I was funny, which made for a pretty good time. We laughed a LOT. And as I mentioned *here*, when it comes to other people, there are very few characteristics I appreciate more than a ready wit. He was clever and kind and good, and for some reason he wanted me. On top of all of that, he turned out to be possibly my only equal in remembering and appreciating movie quotes. The larger point there, being that he seemed to GET me.

Oh, I loved him almost instantly.  

 

He made grand romantic gestures. He stood outside my bedroom window with a boombox on his shoulder, playing that song- our song. (Thank you John Cusack for the inspiration.)
 After only one month of quickly growing closer despite the miles between us, he packed up his life and moved to Oregon, so we could be close in the geographical sense as well.
 He pursued me. I liked this.  Four months later we were engaged and six months after that we were married.

Clearly we are both amused by something here...although what, I can't be sure.

 Fast forward 10 years and here we are, still in love and still laughing. And now there are two tinies in the mix, which means we are riding that rollercoaster of joy and triumph, heartache and fear, bafflement and wonder. Having children seems to open up chambers of the heart that one never even knew existed.

 

It requires quite a bit of give and take for a marriage to be successful, and in our ten years as Mister and Missus we have become rather familiar with this idea of compromise. In fact, we get along quite well.  But throughout all the years, there seems to be one prevailing theme in our union.

Humorous Hubris.

We both think we are the "funny one" of the couple.
We can agree on where to live, how many children to have, where to eat, what movie to rent, -you name it. But when it comes to our perceived right to the title of "Funniest", neither one of us can seem to acquiesce.

Who cares, you might say? What's the big deal anyway? Can't we both be funny? The answer is yes, of course... just not EQUALLY funny. It completely messes with the natural balance of things! In a world full of chaos, shouldn't we be able to know exactly who we are, at least within our couplings?
I mostly jest, but in all truthfulness, Husband and I both staunchly believe we are slightly funnier than the other.

I often tease him that he's lost his edge. As a financial advisor and investment banker, he spends a good portion of his day sitting across from elderly folk who tend to be very serious when it comes to talk about their money. So it's not his fault, really. It's simply not an atmosphere conducive to an ironic sense of humor.
 Don't get me wrong- he's a big hit with that crowd. They love him. Especially the older gals, who are always telling him what a clever darling he is. (Sorry ladies, he's taken.)
I suppose he could say the same of me- that I've lost my edge, considering my main audience are our 3 and 6 year old children who tend to find my satirical commentary throughout the day...underwhelming to say the least.

The good news is, it keeps us both on our toes. On some level we are still trying to impress each other. We are both people who love to laugh, and who can find the humor in almost any situation, but
I daresay the highest level of satisfaction comes from getting a real and spontaneous laugh out of the other. If I can make HIM laugh, and laugh hard, then that is (insert Andy Samberg's voice impersonating Nicholas Cage) "high praise".

I realize in writing this I risk making us both sound like a couple of big jerks, but I don't think we are?  We may suffer from humorous hubris, or we may just be a good match. Either way, I like him and I'm keeping him.

 



Redeeming the Time

It's been all of 3 weeks since I decided on My One Word for 2013. Just a few short weeks since I've begun this process of trimming certain areas of my life and growing others. Isn't it interesting how a subtle shift in perspective can alter your view entirely? Like I'm standing in the same place, looking towards the same thing, but the picture looks suddenly different.

The things I'm looking towards- those that are of the utmost importance to me- my faith, my marriage, my children, my health- what am I doing to build them up? I mean daily? What portion of my time spent is a reflection of where my heart lies? When I look at my life through this lens, it suddenly snaps everything into focus.

 If what they say is true, that the grass is only greener where you water it, then why waste a single precious drop?

The truth is, I have been wasting a lot of time. Drops of time, they seem to slip through my fingers and disappear.   It's easy to SAY I'm going to grab hold of the time and make the most of each moment- you know, seize the day and all that.
  But the truth of the matter is that it's just like every other thing in life. It boils down to one fact.
 YOU'VE GOT TO DO THE WORK!
 Whether it be physically, spiritually, or relationally, you can't neglect to put in the effort and then be surprised to find it's not thriving.  If you're building a wall, you've got to lay the bricks. One by one.

What is your wall?
What has God called you to?

I have been asking myself- asking God- this question a lot lately. And while there are a few different things I feel led to pursue at the moment, investing in my husband and my children will always be towards the top of that list.
 When raising small kids it's very easy to be swallowed up in the minutiae of the day. There are hundreds of little tasks that must be done. But all the little things, they add up to something very big. Life happens in the home. Values and relationships and attitudes and habits are all formed in the home. The lessons learned in the home, last the longest.

While every household has it's own rhythm, I long for ours to slow down. I want to redeem the time. My kids are only this age once. They are young for such a brief period of time. All I have is now. I don't get a do-over. Those tiny, tender hearts are only mine for the blink of an eye.

Ephesians 5:15-16
"See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil."

I have been praying for opportunities to maximize the time. For chances to peel back the layers and dig deeper into our children's hearts. For enough wisdom to stop hurrying and to create a rhythm in our home that makes time for such things.

The thing about opportunity is that it often comes masked as inopportunity. What feels like a nuisance or an interruption might just be the exact moment I've been searching for and asking for.
Communication comes at a cost. Bricklaying takes work.

In the middle of a recent (and somewhat routine) display of dramatic emotion from our 6 year old, something in my gut told me not to rush through this one. Some undefinable check in my heart that kept me from indulging the temptation to speed through the steps of discipline and correction and teaching so I could move on with my day. Had I rushed, I would have missed an opportunity to communicate on a deeper, vitally important level. Her little eyes brimmed with tears in such a way that I knew it wasn't just drama unfolding, but a hurting heart. So I sat on the edge of her bed and scooped her onto my lap and started asking questions as she sobbed into my shirt. After weeks of feeling heavy hearted and somewhat disconnected from my daughter, here was a precious opportunity to discover what was at the real root of the problem. After all, the heart of the matter is almost always a matter of the heart, yes? What ended up being a wonderful, productive conversation almost didn't happen, because I almost didn't do the work by drawing it out of her.  Opportunity can be very easy to miss. I know, because I do it all the time.

So here I am, 3 weeks later, just barely getting my sleeves rolled up. There are a hundred other ways I want to redeem the time. There are books I am reading, friendships I am growing, weight I am losing,  recipes I want to try, new ways to discover of building up my marriage, and time of solitude to take- to just steal away with my coffee and my bible and my God.
 And while it can all start to feel like It's just too much to fit into 24 short hours, I think it's really... not.
It's more a matter of first things first. It's choosing to redeem the time and not just to spend it.
You've got to seize the moment before you can seize the day.

2013: My One Word

Hello my dear compadres! Happy New Year.

I hope 2013 finds you well.
I have been thinking and praying about my goals and hopes for this year and doing a little bit of rearranging of priorities. Pausing for a beat, to reflect on the most important things to me, and if my time spent is a true reflection of that. I spoke last year about my "One Word" (which naturally turned into four words) for the year, and how I wanted to use that one word as a springboard, a filter, a measure, and a goal. Maybe it's a bit corny, but it resonated with me nonetheless. Funny, how I carried on and on about my first two words which were "Content" and "Invested", and it ended up being my other two words ("Hospitable" and "Gracious") that were put to the test in my real everyday life this year. Or, not funny at all? Isn't that how God often works? Making us put our money where our big mouth is?

In the spirit of continuity, I decided to choose one word for 2013 as well. I have hemmed and hawed and thought and prayed and wrestled with choosing my one word. After all, I am not a decisive person. And I am certainly not a person of few words. In all of my soul searching and reflecting, I just kept coming back to this one word, this one thought.

This year I want to be UNHINDERED.

Hebrews 12:1
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

I am not exactly sure all that lies on the path marked out for me. I fear I have been meandering along, unwittingly collecting distractions and sometimes losing sight of the "race set before me."
So I am taking a bit of a timeout to rearrange my time spent and my priorities. No existential crisis here, or noble proclamations about striking the perfect balance in my life. I know better than to claim that grandiose of an ideal.
I just want to scale back a tiny bit. Take a timeout. I want to cultivate the relationships and the things in my life that are edifying- and adversely, to recognize those that are not. To shrug off the things that don't serve a purpose in building up my marriage, my family, my faith, or my health.

I think for me this means being less PLUGGED in and more TUNED in. A little less screen time and a little more face time. A little less social networking and a little more real life heart-to-heart networking- with my kids, my husband, my family, my friends. I am a very social person and I rarely go a week without fellowship of some kind, but I would like to cultivate this more in my life. I want to be unhindered and unhurried and less distracted in my daily life, so that I may "run with perseverance the race set before me."

How's that for grandiose?

31 Flavors

The last couple of birthdays were milestones of sorts for me.

The last year of my twenties. The first year of my thirties. For some reason it just felt like a big deal, whereas this birthday just feels like another year. 31. Meh. I have no groundbreaking insights or major feelings on the subject whatsoever. But for no good reason other than entertainment, I made a list. Of random things you might not know about me.

1.  I answer to an array of nicknames including, but not limited to, "Poopie", "Ambergesa", "Lady BeauFontaine", "Craig Tippie", "Bombie", "Bammer", "Google Search Bar", "Twiggy", and "Lammer Lynn". Im not sure if these nicknames say more about me or the people I am close to?
2. I hate talking on the phone. In person, I can hardly shut up. On the phone- pretty much always awkward.
3. My family and close friends know that I am a bad driver. What they don't know is that I'm actually a really GOOD driver when I'm by myself. Unfortunately I have no way of ever proving this.
4. I keep an immaculate home. I don't do dirt, I don't do dust, and I don't do clutter. I always tell my best friend, "Ugh, my house is a MESS!" ...and she always knows this to be untrue. However neurotic I may be about the rest of my house, surprisingly I never clean my shower. I mean, we're talking two, maybe three times a year. Sick! I know. The trouble is that in order to clean the shower, you have to be IN the shower, and let's face it, I hardly have enough time to shave my legs properly in there, much less scrub down the tiles. Something's gotta give and apparently it's the shower.
5.  I am a better singer than I am a dancer. This is not saying much. I do both anyway.
6.  My best feature: long naturally curled eyelashes.
7.  My worst feature: How much time do we have? Tankles, lame hair, gums that show too much when I smile, a prominent nose, a pinhead (really, I can never find hats or sunglasses that look right), a slight baby paunch, I could go on and on, but yah, I'd say tankles tops the list. There's just nothing I'll ever be able to do about that.
8. Place I most desperately want to visit: Scotland.
9. I have only kissed 7 gents in my lifetime. And one dolphin... Sparks flew, emotions ran high.
10.  Characteristic I most appreciate in others: honesty and a ready wit.
11.  Characteristic I most dislike in others: passive aggressiveness and narcissism.
12.  The only famous people I have ever been told I resemble are Jerry Seinfield and Mayim Bialik. So...that sucks.
13.  My drink of choice is honey whiskey. On the rocks. Shaken, not stirred- oh wait, that doesn't apply.
14.  My absolute dream scenario job: a sketch comedy writer or performer. Yah right, I wish.
15.  I subscribe to the idea of "Major on the majors, minor on the minors." In parenting, in marriage, in most areas of life.
16.  I don't have a sweet tooth, I have a carb tooth. No one seems to acknowledge this as a real problem.
17.  I secretly (openly) love Taco Bell. I'm not proud, but it is what it is. If you ever want to know the perfect trifecta to order there, call me and I'll walk you through it. And yes, I eat 3 things. I have no shame.
18.  I work out all the time but I am neither athletic, nor sporty. In high school, I was on the cheerleading and bowling teams. I was always slightly embarrassed about both but only because of the stigma attached to each one, not  because I actually thought they were lame. And if you weren't aware of the bowling team stigma, it's that they're nerds.
19.  Speaking of high school, I was declared Best Sense of Humor in my senior class. I went to a very small high school.
20.  If I could use a famous person free pass, it would be with Ryan Gosling or Chris Hemsworth.
21.  If Husband could use a famous person free pass, it would be with Carrie Underwood (understandable) or Anna Paquin (seriously? I don't know why, but that one bothers me.)
22.  Neither of us would ever really use a famous person free pass.
23.  I wear a lot of V neck t shirts. My sister wears a lot of crew necks. This makes her the more appropriately clad daughter in my mother's opinion.
24.  If you give me even the smallest opening to make fun of you, even the slightest bit of ammunition, I simply cannot pass up the opportunity. I just can't let anything slide. Don't take it personally, it's how I show affection. (You should see how I make out! LOL) (Get it?!)
25. I have two recurring dreams. 1) That my friend Poopie, and Amy Poehler pick me up from the airport in Amy's car and we all laugh hysterically the whole way home, just like I always knew we would. 2) That my husband abruptly and nonchalantly announces over dinner one night that he is leaving me for Angelina Jolie. And then he tells me to get over it and pass the potatoes. I am equal parts destroyed and enraged by this news and I try to scream but I can't get any sound to come out.
26. I grew up a pastor's kid. This often gave people a predisposed opinion of me and more often than not they were off base.
27. I always make the bed. Even if its in the afternoon and I know no one will even see it.
28. I can mimic any facial expression.
29. I believe in hospitality. In making people feel welcome not just in my home, but in my life. I think this is somewhat of a lost art on my generation- hosting and hospitality.
30. I'm a voracious reader. I always have been. I use a lot of antiquated words and phrases and my friends make fun of me for it. When they do, I always say "What?! I read a lot as a kid!" as if that's a good comeback? As if that helps my case or makes me look any cooler. I used the phrase "Don't darken my door" with a group of friends recently and they nearly ate me alive. I heard about that one for weeks. It doesn't always pay to be well versed in old people lingo.
31.  I believe that a strong faith and a good sense of humor can get you through almost anything in life.

More Than a Tidy Bit of Grace

 

 

They are my heart. These two and their father. They fill me up and empty me clear out and take me from pride to dismay and everywhere in between all in a day. In an hour. And I fear that I am not as resilient as they are, as resilient as they deserve. Some days grow long and lord knows they can be tenacious...and sometimes I grow weary.  Patience wears thin and grace slips away and words clip harsher than I intend. Then guilt rolls in like a fog because I see that I have missed the mark yet again. I see it reflected in their little faces and in their attitudes. A heavy, annoyed sigh from from the 3 year old. An exasperated reply to a simple question from the 5 year old. And I know it is normal, and it is the nature of the beast... but I also know they have heard it before, coming right from me.

 Galations 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control; against such things, there is no law."

This is what I long to teach them. So then, what is the best way? To be it, to live it, to lead them to it. Of course. And it stings because I know I fall short- so much, so often. I start off each day with these lofty ideals in front of me. And I try- by sheer force of will. I strive, which only leads to exhaustion... because I am mistaken. I am mistaken in the striving, and I am mistaken in thinking I can manufacture these qualities within myself.

 I happen to flip through the emails on my phone and I come across my new favorite- Ann Voscamp's blog. Maybe it's a bit antiquated. Maybe it's a bit much- the way she writes and the way she lives, but I am always inspired by her raw transparency and I always relate to her struggles within.
 I have to strain to read her words through the blur of tears that started coming somewhere after the third sentence. She writes grace words about grace living- and what does that even mean, really?
 I wonder.
 And how many times must a mother fail miserably? I reread a sentence three times over and I stop, exhale, and I think on her words.
 And they pierce me, like a truth always does. Like a nail driven in and through, and it sends splinters all across my heart.
Because this is exactly how I feel today.

"The Farmer says it quiet to sons, that all this hollering, it's no gospel, and I'm the railing mother whose sin reeks, who needs Christ's nailing and more than a tidy bit of grace and how do I keep falling hard everyday and tripping all these kids too?
How can a mother do so much everyday and know she does so much wrong? Sometimes holding a kid is this wild prayer for God to just hold it all together."


And yes, this sounds heavy. And no, it's not always this way. Of course not. But some days it is. Some days it is hard. I worry about my failures, and I doubt myself, and I fret if I am doing a well enough job in this enormous task of raising these two bright eyed, curly headed children. Will they grow up to be loving and kind and true? And am I?
In and of ourselves, no, I suppose we're not. Thank God for grace and for clean slates and for hope for more.

I keep reading.

"Christianity isn't about growing good- it's about growing grace-filled. Why in the world did I keep telling my boys to be more Christ-like as if He was a ladder to ascend, to progressively strive to be more sanctified- when being Christ-like is not about ladders but about laying down and reaching wide?...This is the gospel that I don't just need, but need to live... Like a rubbing of the hurting places, a drowning out of fears...Grace laid it's arm down a beam and grace never stops reaching out, reaching for you, reaching straight across walls and through fences and over barbed wire laws...When you fail and you bleed fallen and you're the mess just wild to somehow make it, it's inhaling the gospel that heals: Blessed assurance, Jesus assures: You don't have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps- you only have to pull close. It's the gospel in shorthand pure relief:
"MY HOPE ISN'T BUILT ON MY PERFORMANCE BUT ON JESUS' RIGHTEOUSNESS."

 And I remember that motherhood isn't simply about "doing a good job" or teaching them to be "good", it's about laying myself down and reaching wide, as Ann so eloquently puts it. Reaching for grace and constantly reaching to tend and grow these two tender little hearts, drawing them close and showing them the real truth about where joy and peace and patience and gentleness come from. It's about showing them a gospel not only about what we accept, but what we extend.

And I remember that His mercies are new every morning. And that the work of tending and growing little hearts is rarely a tidy business, but it's a worthy business.
And thank God my hope isn't built on my performance, because it isn't about ME at all.






The Mart

The world takes all kinds. So does Wal Mart.

I must preface this whole post with the declaration that I am no snob and no elitist. Do I think that I am somehow better than anyone that shops at Wal Mart?  No.  Do I enjoy shopping there?  No. In fact, in the spirit of honesty, let's make that a Hell No (excuse the french).

It is so deeply ingrained in my character to appreciate a good bargain, I will always seek it out. Whether it be out of necessity or simply for the pure joy of knowing that I got a good deal, rest assured,  I will seek out the bargain. So if I know that some particular item is cheapest at The Mart, then to The Mart I will go.

Do I prefer the soft lighting and the hardwood floors in the "lounge" area of our local Fred Meyer? Oh yes! I do. The fact that it even boasts a "lounge" area at all -AND a kiddy play center!-  beckon to every parental fiber of my being. So I do shop there often, but I save it for my fun shopping. For when I need things like special cheeses and butter lettuce and tahini. That is my "happy place" shopping. Wal Mart is for my nitty gritty shopping.

Today I was probably asking for it. It was a busy day filled with swim lessons and running errands and trying to sqeeze in a workout. I had a small window to grocery shop and it lay dangerously close to naptime. But sometimes you just have to brazen it out , yes? So I loaded up the tinies and with a foreboding sense of trepidation we drove to the Mart.  I want to stress that what took place there is no stretch of the truth or exaggeration on my part. I'm keepin it real.

First we encountered a woman who was shopping in her bikini top. (They let people do that?!) Then there was another woman who we crossed paths with in almost every single aisle and every single time she was SHOUTING (I use shouty capitals because she really was shouting) "Bobby Lee! Bobby Lee you are in so much trouble! Bobby Lee you where are you?!  WHERE. ARE. YOU! You stop that right now! Bobby Lee when I find you, you are dead!  BOBBY LEE!!!! (with bass in her voice) when she'd really had enough.  Incidentally, Bobby Lee never seemed to grow tired of exasperating this woman. It was like his powers only became stronger, the more frustrated she got. But hey, no judgements. We've all had our Bobby Lee moments...just hopefully a few decibels quieter....?

There was an unscrupulous fellow who quite awkwardly would not let me walk past him in the aisle and when I finally asked quietly if we could sneak by, he said definitively, "No... But you're a pretty thing." Gah! Radar up! Im not! Im not a pretty thing! Please dont murder me right here in the middle of the cereal aisle! My mental faculties were in order just enough to smile politely, turn, and try not to break out in a full on sprint.

There were arguments with Bigger One over choosing a birthday present for a friend, and a lengthy discussion regarding the benefits of giving more than receiving. There were potty emergencies. Of course there were! My kids, may the good Lord bless them, seem to have to go to the bathroom (ifyaknowwhatImean) every single public place we go. Especially parks. BLURG.

 Long ago we had to establish the worldwide code language for Number 1 and Number 2 so they weren't hollering about having to poop in the middle of whatever fine establishment we happen to be in. Ah, the life of a mother. We try to steer clear of the poop talk, but sometimes it's just inescapable.

 Littler One got cold in the refrigerator section and proceeded to lose it by way of wailing and clinging to my neck while he sat in the front of the cart and I valiantly tried to keep steering and comfort him simultaneously.

When all was said and done, we made it to the checkout line where we waited a very long time, and I entertained with tickling games and letting Bigger One pick out some kind of fruity flavored bottled water. Which turned out to be carbonated. I did not discover this until it was scanned, handed back to me, and I cracked it open at which point it exploded all over the front of me,  the floor, and the little card-slider-machine. (That cant be the technical term for them...?).

 I had to laugh because my only other option at the moment was to curse, and I was still well within earshot of both tiny tenders. Littler One noticed that my shirt was now soaking and clinging to me, at which point he points and giggles and loudly repeats "Boobies! You's boobies Mama!". Mercifully enough, this wasnt until we were on our way out the door.

There was a moment while I was in the parking lot, wringing out my shirt as best I could while still wearing it, and loading up the kids and groceries into the hot, muggy car, - let's say a good 30 seconds there, where I seriously considered taking up smoking. In that moment it seemed like a novel idea.

In the end, I still have nothing against The Mart. But next time I will pack a tranquilizer dart (or 3) in my purse because it's a jungle out there.